Missing in Action

coming up for air

oooofph!

Hi, you.

I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.

My grandma (my mother’s mother) died on Valentine’s day.

All I can think of is a heart shaped box of See’s candy filled with Nuts and Chews. It was her favorite.

I’ve also been designing the quilts and product for a Valentine fabric collection I have coming out later this year, so I’ve been in the thick of all the hearts and candy boxes mothering and February colds, and carrying on when the tank is empty.

I’ve been deeply perplexed at how different it felt when my grandmother died vs when my dad died. I think about it a lot.

On the day she went home it felt like my house was filled with family all day, comforting me, making sure I knew how much love there was for her on the other side… how excited they all were to receive her. All of her little sisters waiting to have their big sister back. Their intense love for her was showered on me. What a gift. Like I can feel now how happy she is, and busy. Back to being busy and bossy. Her perfect life.

But with my dad it was just a void. It’s a little less voidy now, but not a lot better. His death was much more unexpected, but for there to be no comfort, and no visitors from the other side felt really hard. It still does when I think about it.

Since he was the first person I’d lost in my immediate family, I didn’t know what to expect, and when I all I felt was that void it really challenged my faith. I’m of the mind that your faith needs a good shake every once in a while, but whoa! All I felt was that he was just gone. Like gone gone. It shook me to my core. And when I think of him now, he’s still not to where he’s going.

I read A LOT of near death experiences. Listened to the podcasts. Watched the vids. Was searching everywhere for confirmation that what I’ve always believed wasn’t so far off. The conclusion I was led to is comforting to me, but maybe not others.

Whatever you think this is, it’s not. This life is different than you could ever imagine, and that’s good. Death is not what you think it is.

Makes me think of Ransom near the end of Perelandra. The Eldils say to him as he’s trying to comprehend the weight of all these big eternal things that he has faced, “be comforted small one, in your smallness”.

You’ll actually find the quote on the selvedge of my Love Letter fabric. It has been a north star for me.

I’ve found this idea to be intensely comforting in faith and parenthood and business and just basically everything in my almost 40 year old life. You think things are one way, and really they’re different. You do your best with all of it, with the understanding it’s a different color than you thought. Or a different note… like when you’re driving on the highway and the sound of the road changes the pitch you hear in the music, and then the road levels out and you hear the actual tune. That’s life.

At some point, you choose your life. No matter where you came from, not matter how humble or unfair or abundant the circumstances. You decide how you will behave. How you will respond. You decide how you will make amends… or how you won’t.

How you live matters. How you treat others matters. Learning to love yourself matters.

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Ok, that’s enough for a Saturday afternoon.

I’ll be back regularly soon. My family got sick, and I’d managed to avoid all of it until today. I’m resting but actively trying to kick this things butt.

I can’t wait to show you all the good things coming your way so soon.

We’ll have a big shop update in Early April. Think Easter baskets just for you!

call the people you love.
xoxo
lizzy